Emotional Roller Coaster!

We're so excited to meet these babies!

First of all, thank you all for riding this roller coaster with me!  I have days that are great, days that are bad, days that are hopeful, days where I cry....I hear much of that may be due to me being in my third trimester as well! :)
I am now seeing my Dr's 2-3 times per week, for ultrasounds, non stress tests, OB visits, cardiology visits and nephrology visits.  So, I'm not sure if I'll be able to post after each visit but I'll definitely try to do it weekly.
This weeks visit went much better than the visits of weeks past.  McKinley is really hanging in there!  She passed her non stress test with flying colors, the nurse even commented that she was very impressed with how much these two move considering I'm only 31 weeks along.  I'm so proud of my kids already!  This ultrasound was a quicker one but as they do every week, they are checking to see that McKinley is staying consistent in 5 areas.  1 - Her amniotic fluid level needs to remain within the criteria, 2 - She has to continue to grow at a steady rate, 3 - she has to maintain the appropriate amount of blood flow to her brain, 4 - she has to show movement, and 5 - she has to show fluxion in her limbs.  She passed all 5 of those on Tuesday!  The Dr also mentioned that her kidney (which has been our latest huge concern) really seems to be functioning.  It's a little perplexing, because if she's missing one entire kidney, and the other one is full of cysts, she shouldn't be showing the amniotic fluid levels that she's showing and a few other things they're looking at that seem to be going well.  So each week they look around for that mystery right kidney.  It's almost like it's there but they just can't find it.  The Dr. was really impressed with not only how she was doing, but how I was doing as well.  My cervix shortened a bit, but not enough to be super concerned about.  They are going to try to get me to 38 weeks to get these kiddos as big and healthy as possible, and it looks like I have a good chance of making it that far!  And we can't forget Brooks.  He is doing awesome and I know that he's taking good care of his sister in there.

Your prayers are working, I can't wait to blog about our miracle babies in a couple of months!

Great

GREAT

I am reaching out to you

In desperation I need you

This want is taking over my life

Glorious Father I hold you high

To know that you are by my side

I'm overwhelmed I can't deny

That you are Lord and King of all

And now I know that above all

You're great

Bigger than all my mistakes

Savior I'll do what it takes to bless your name

To you my hands I'll raise because you're great

You're great

And worthy of all my praise

Humbly I'll fall on my face before you're throne

Forever singing songs of how you're great

Jesus you're great, all to you for you are holy

Jesus you're great, Father God send your glory

This is a song we sing often at our church.  I've found that since we've received this news about McKinley, I literally cannot sing the first 2 lines without absolutely choking up.  (Which is really a bummer because this is probably my favorite song to sing!)  And it's now been proven that I can't even type the first two lines without tearing up!  This song rings so true in my life right now.  I am so desperately reaching out to God to heal our McKinley, but above all else I want to bless his name and glorify him no matter what the outcome.

This has been a hard week for us.  We've seen a variety of different Dr's and gotten different reactions from each Dr.  But the underlying theme is that everyone is very concerned.  There is no way to sugar coat what McKinley has.  She is VERY sick, and we need to start to prepare for taking care of her outside of the womb.  I met with my OB yesterday and she was already apologizing while she said it, but her words were that she's "very concerned about McKinley's survival".  Those words sear through me like nothing else ever has.  I'm not willing to go there, or even think about that.

I KNOW that God can heal.  I'm not sure if that is his plan for McKinley, but I desperately pray that it is.  I am so thankful for this precious life that I have already bonded with as I feel her kick and squirm inside of me daily. I'm so looking forward to meeting her and spending as much time with her as God will give us.  My prayers remain consistent, please heal our McKinley and let her spend a long life with us.  Thank you to all of you who are praying the same prayer!

What a day....

6 months pregnant

It all started at 9am this morning with a vanilla steamed milk brought to me by my good friend (and this mornings ultrasound companion) Sweina!  We sat through about 2 hours of ultrasounds and about an hour of Dr's updates and genetic counselor visits.  Not much new was discovered at this visit, but it was brought up that McKinley's left kidney looks to be multicystic dysplastic which is not a good sign especially since they still suspect that she does not have a right kidney.  At this point I'm not sure what all of this means, most likely we'll be meeting with a urologist at Children's next.
Then it was off to Children's where thankfully, Tony was able to get off work early and accompany me. 2 hours on the ultrasound table only being able to view McKinley's heart was the longest 2 hours ever!  However, she did wiggle around a bit and show off her practice breathing and then got the hiccups, so that was entertaining. :)  After that we spent an hour with Dr. Meg Vernon (an AMAZING Dr!!! - thank you Neinabers for the recommendation!) and the genetic counselor.  What they can see is that McKinley most likely has an interrupted aortic arch and a ventricular septal defect (better know as a hole in her heart).  Every baby in utero has a hole in their heart between the right and left atriums which McKinley also has, but she has an additional hole between her right and left ventricles which is not normal.  We talked for quite some time about what this could mean for McKinley after she is born and Dr. Vernon's best guess is that she would be sent to Children's no more than 1 day after she's born and monitored there for about a week.  After that first week they would then chose to operate on her heart either by going in through her side, or the front of her chest or both.  Most likely she will spend 3-4 weeks at Children's right after birth, hopefully with no side effects so that she doesn't have to spend any more time there.  Dr. Vernon also suspects that McKinley might have a disorder called DiGeorge Syndrome.  This syndrome has a wide variety of symptoms and severities of those symptoms.  They will do a wide variety of genetic testing when McKinley is born to see if that is what she has, or if it is something else, or possibly nothing.
There are pieces of good news that I can share as well.  McKinley continues to grow and now weighs 2lbs 15oz.  Brooks has slowed a bit in growth but we're told that is normal for twins around this gestation and he weighs about 3lbs 8oz.  McKinley's amniotic fluid has increased again to a level of 5 which means she has more room to move around.  And my cervix actually lengthened a bit up to 2.1, so while still on "princess mode" I'm not on bedrest!
I feel like I ran 10 marathons today.  My mind is spinning and the questions I have are never ending.  Our faith continues to be unshaken and we are confident in God's plans for our life and our childrens lives.  We know that he heals and are still praying for the miracle that he will heal McKinley.  But we are so blessed to have these 2 little lives, for as long as we may have them.  We prayed for them for years and will continue to pray for the rest of our lives....

1/2 time is better than full time...

Getting the room ready!

....when you're talking about bed rest that is!  Yesterday at my weekly Dr's appointment things went pretty well.  My cervix is still a bit short so they have me on 1/2 time bed rest, but I'm feeling fortunate that it's not full time!  At least I can still get out occasionally!  They also did a fetal fibronectin test that is supposed to detect whether or not I'll go into labor in the next couple of weeks and that came back negative, so that was great news.  The best part of the day was the Non Stress Test where they get a base heart rate for the babies, and check to see if they are having an adequate amount of movement and if their heart rate increases when they move.  Both babies passed with flying colors, so to me it's just another sign that McKinley is hanging right in there with her brother. :)
Next week is a big week for us.  On Tuesday we have our growth ultrasound at Evergreen in the morning, a meeting with the genetic counselor after that, and our echocardiogram at Children's that afternoon.  We are praying desperately that the Dr's at Children's will not see what the Dr's at Evergreen saw.  We are praying for a clean bill of health on McKinley's heart.  Please join us in that prayer request!!  Then on Thursday I have my first appointment with my OB since all the news we've gotten about McKinley so I'm sure we'll be discussing a plan for my delivery, whether it will have to be a c-section or not and whether they'll schedule my delivery or let me go as long as I can.  So, next week we'll probably be getting a lot of answers!  Thank you for your continued prayers for us and our babies.

Tiny Miracles

Part of my prayer team...

And this is where my blog becomes current.  After our last ultrasound the only thing I felt like I could do was send an email to everyone I knew to ask them to pray for us.  The response was absolutely overwhelming.  Never in a million years did I imagine that so many people would get behind us, so many people that we didn't even know!  God gave me a peace that passes understanding in those following weeks and I know it's because of the multitudes of people that were praying for me.  Immediately my close friends organized a group to come over and lay hands on McKinley and me and pray for us.  I could feel God's arms wrap around me and her, and I knew that no matter the outcome, we would be ok.  Of course I never stopped praying 100 times a day that God would decide to heal McKinley.
On Tuesday we went in for our first ultrasound since the "bad news" ultrasound.  It was 2 hours of anxiety waiting for the scan to be over so the Dr could come in and give us her report.  Last time when the Dr came in she gave me a big hug and immediately said, "I'm worried about McKinley, she is not normal".  This time the first words out of her mouth were "I'm encouraged".  I knew it!  God had already begun his work!!!  The Dr went over all of McKinley's problems again since Tony was there to hear it this time.  They still could only find one kidney for sure but thought it might be possible that she has a tiny "bud" of a kidney on her right side that is not functioning.  The kidney she does have seemed "bright" and enlarged on the ultrasound so there is some concern that it might not be functioning as well as we had hoped.  But the praise is that her amniotic fluid is increasing.  Her amniotic fluid level had always been at the very minimum level of 2.  At this ultrasound it had increased for the first time to 3.5!!!  This means that her kidney is working because she is producing her own amniotic fluid and that has to be processed through the kidney.  Yay!!!
She still has a coarctation of the aorta but what was a bit perplexing to the Dr is that the blood flow to her brain seemed very normal (in fact, she has a bigger head than her brother right now!) and her arms and legs were long.  (Thank you Tony for the long arms! :))  Usually with a coarc the babies extremities tend to be a bit shorter because blood does not flow there fast enough.  The Dr's guess is that the coarc is higher up in the aorta which is the best place to have it, if you're going to have it.  So this was another praise!
The spine is still a concern, however Tony and I, and the ultrasound tech sat and watched her move her head up and down and to the side for a few seconds which was something we had never seen before.  Praise Jesus!  The Dr's still concerned that she doesn't have a full range of motion, suspecting a fusion of the spinal cord at the back of the neck, but I figure we're just taking baby steps.  Let's give God time to work his miracles. :)
Probably the best news of the day is that McKinley is continuing to grow at a steady rate.  She is still only in the 15th percentile, but at least she's staying there and not dropping.  They estimated she weighed about 2lbs 4oz and Brooks is 3lbs.
One of the things we were concerned with was whether or not we needed to do an amnio.  At the end of the appointment the Dr said they were less concerned with needing to do the amnio now because McKinley is making progress and still growing.  So that was a major answer to prayer, we didn't have to make that decision on our own, it was made for us!
So all in all, we're taking baby steps.  God is already working tiny miracles on our baby girl and I can't wait to see and share the miracles that he's going to continue to work.  Please continue praying for us and for her, it's working!!!!

The News....

A very special gift given to me at my first baby shower

On July 22nd we went in for a routine bi-weekly ultrasound.  At this point the Dr's had decided to see me every other week.  Since McKinley was quite a bit smaller and probably always would be, they wanted to check her often to make sure she wasn't in any distress.  They had also ordered an echocardiogram on McKinley's heart just to be sure that everyone was ok. After almost 4 hours on the ultrasound table and many ultrasound techs coming in and out to look at and discuss what they were seeing, I started to get a little uneasy.  When the Dr came in I was hit with news that I never in a million years expected to hear.  The Dr said that McKinley is very sick. To try and sum it all up, she only has one kidney, she has a heart disorder called a coarctation of the aorta and a possible spine problem. Any one of these issues alone can be survivable and possibly even operable, but all together does not bode well for McKinley. The Dr's are very concerned for her. They are sending me to Children's Hospital in the next month to get a second opinion on the ultrasound, as well as register McKinley in their system since that is most likely where she'll be headed after she's born. With all three of these problems (kidney, heart and spine) there is a suspicion that she may have some sort of chromosomal disorder or syndrome. We need to decide whether to do an amnio to help diagnose this or wait until she is born to do the blood work. Some of the disorders may be survivable, and some may not.
Of course this news for us has been extremely difficult and the helpless feeling of not being able to do anything is almost more than I can handle. However I know there is one thing I can do, and ask everyone I know to do, and that is to please pray, as often as you possibly can. I know that God can heal, and if he wants us to deliver a healthy baby girl in Sept/Oct than we will. I believe in the power of prayer and I believe that God can work miracles.

We're pregnant!!!!

Our BabyMoon

On February 17th at 12:30pm my Fertility nurse called me to say that our 4th cycle had worked!!!  We were pregnant!!! I literally could not believe it.  Even after our first ultrasound at 7 1/2 weeks where we discovered we were having twins, I still couldn't believe it.  Even through all the morning sickness it seemed more like I kept eating something bad than actually having morning sickness!  Somewhere around my 3rd month I started showing more, clothes stopped fitting and it became a little more real.
We ordered the nursery furniture, decided to go on a "babymoon" on a Royal Caribbean Mexican Rivera Cruise and really enjoyed my growing bump.  Aside from the morning sickness, flu in my second trimester, kidney stones, carpel tunnel, acid reflux and early swelling in my feet and hands, this pregnancy was going very well!! :)
At 16 weeks we found out that we were having a boy and girl.  Our girl was always curled up so she was harder to confirm, but after a few more ultrasounds, around 24 weeks the Dr's were confident, she was a girl.  We immediately picked names without much hesitation.  McKinley Grace and Brooks Anthony.
The Dr's had always been a bit concerned about McKinley during the ultrasounds because she never really moved to give them a good view of her right side.  They had discovered that she had a 2 vessel umbilical cord early on.  They warned us that this could be an indication of a heart defect, but that the chances were less than 1%.  A few weeks later they also discovered a velamentous cord insertion, meaning that her umbilical cord inserted into the side of the placenta rather than in the middle.  This meant that McKinley would automatically get less nutrients than Brooks, so I was put on a strict diet of drinking 160g of protein daily (in supplements/shakes) in addition to any other protein that I could get.  She also runs a risk of early term labor, so they wanted me to bulk her up as much as possible.  They also put me on "princess mode" which is not bedrest but very close to.  Just as we had learned to adjust to this new news about our baby girl our whole world was flipped upside down....

The beginning....

Our 3rd IVF attempt, picture of our embryos

September 22nd, 2001 was a beautiful, wonderful day.  It was the day two best friends were married.  Tony and I had known each other for 3 years at that point.  We met at Western Washington University in Bellingham and once we decided to commit to each other we never wavered.  After 2 years of marriage we decided it was time to start a family.  In August of 2003 we decided to just see what happened.  After a year of trying we headed to the fertility Dr to see what might be wrong.  After extensive testing they could find nothing.  So, another 2 years went by, charting basal body temps and trying every home remedy in the book.  (Robatussen, Black Licorice vodka, baby aspirin....we've heard them all!!)  When we were having no luck with our own methods we decided to try some fertility medication.  The Dr. said it was a slam dunk, no problem.  We were young, healthy and had nothing wrong with us that they could find.  After 3 months of Clomid and still no pregnancy the Dr. suggested an IUI.  She was sure this would work.  Alas, it didn't.   After that we'd had it.  We needed to take a break for awhile.  It was tiring, emotional, time consuming and expensive.  After another two years, still nothing.  With some much needed motivation from some close friends, we decided to visit a different fertility Dr.  At this visit we got the same optimistic news.  This should be easy!  Let's try 3 IUI's and then go from there, but one of the IUI's will definitely work so we won't need to worry about anything further than that.  3 IUI's later...nothing.  That's when we made the big decision.  We had saved up and were ready to put all of our savings into trying IVF. In August of 2009 we had our first failed IVF attempt.  Although extremely disappointing, we had prepared ourselves for having to do more than one cycle so we immediately tried again.  After a month of IVF medications my body decided it didn't want to cooperate and at the last minute our cycle was cancelled.  So, we jumped head first into our third cycle.  In October of 2009 we found out that our cycle had resulted in a bio-chemical pregnancy, meaning the embryo may have tried to implant for a day or two but ultimately could not hang on.  After three failed attempts we were feeling a bit disappointed to say the least.  At this time I had come to a place where I was so content with God's plan for my life.  I can truly say that I was able to give it all to him and was at peace with whatever he wanted for our life.  We were exploring an opportunity to adopt a little baby boy, so we were already remodeling the nursery in preparation for that.  We took some time off, went to Cabo, and enjoyed the holidays.  After the holidays were over we decided to try another IVF cycle.  In February of 2010 we went to the Dr. to get our pregnancy test result and this is when our lives changed forever.....